Friday, June 17, 2011

Spilt milk

I cried over it. For a full ten minutes while talking to my friend on the phone. Darn it. I thought I am stronger than that. It's not like it was a big surprise or anything. I fully expected the appalling result.

The really funny thing is, the first thought that came to my mind was "does this mean I have to give up K-pop?" LOL. Me and my K-fever.

But then I realized that K-pop has got nothing to do with my fall. I mean, my life during the entire semester was devoid of anything K-pop, except once when Super Junior M released a new video.

The real reason for the disheartening result was my lack of will power. Sure, I can blame it on my active participation in the students' association, which made my schedules a tad bit unmanageable, causing sleep deprivation, lethargy, and some other made-me-can't-concentrate-in-class alibis. My friends can testify to those.

But I know for a fact that I could've done better. I know I didn't push myself hard enough. Yes, that is so cliché, but that is the truth. You know what I mean. Those times when you're tired and lacking the enthusiasm to do anything, but what make you not do anything is not the fatigue, but the lack of enthusiasm.

Am I feeling regretful? A bit. Am I sad? Sure. Academic achievement is important in my life and in my household, and it has been one of the few things that I can attain.

I'm not writing this to show off , nor to air my dirty laundry. Am I writing this for the greater good of mankind, as a lesson for us all, so that I can save some innocent souls from falling into the same dismal, lightless abyss of apathy towards education? Nope. And I'm not punishing myself either when I put the result here.

Maybe I just want to give an excuse. Maybe I want to feel some joy (yes, writing does give me some sort of enjoyment). Maybe I'm not thinking straight, and that I might pull this down when my senses come back. I could imagine the future Farah saying "What the hell was I thinking?! Why do I like to embarrass myself so much??"

But for now, I want you, dear reader, to be my audience for a while. Support me in my quest to be better next time. Please don't mention about this to me. I do not want to talk about this. Say "you can do it Farah" and I'll understand. It will mean so much to me, and your words shall be a reminder of what I want to achieve. I promise I'll put my next result here. Then we shall compare, shall we?